Softbank "wanker KASA" bluetooth umbrella radiation detector

UPDATE 2: THIS POST IS A JOKE - THE WANKER KASA DOES NOT EXIST. We made it up, just like a "journalist" (who's name sounds like wanker) appears to have made up a story about people in Tokyo using umbrellas as radiation shields. We thought this was over-the-top enough to be immediately identified as sarcasm.

UPDATE: No, this umbrella will have no effect on the rate of umbrella theft because it lacks a cellular radio, GPS, and wifi. Even if a Find My Kasa app existed, the umbrella has no means of geolocating itself. It can't use GPS satellites, it can't triangulate between cell towers, and it can't fix a position based on the MAC addresses of nearby wifi access points. Even if it could do all that, the umbrella has no way of transmitting it's position. As grand theft kasa is rampant in metropolitan regions, I'd consider investing in a heavy-duty locking device to protect your investment while unattended in the racks commonly located outside of most retail establishments.

Softbank Mobile recently announced the wanker KASA, which looks just like a normal umbrella but incorporates their patented, silicon-based wafer radiation detecting technology formerly found only in the 107SH Pantone 5. The umbrella pairs with your phone and streams radiation counts integrated over the external surface area of the umbrella, with the same accuracy and precision.

The umbrella is free for iPhone 5 owners who preorder an iPad Mini 64GB LTE model. Otherwise it costs ¥9,985 for existing customers. New customers who port over an existing phone number will receive a 45.6% credit applied to their bill 3 months following the first month during which they use between 1 and 1.2GB of LTE data (calculated on a base 10 conversion from bytes, where one byte is 127.94 packets).